Letter to myself

Hey asshole,
To start off, FUCK YOU! That letter you sent me was complete fucking bullshit. Everything… EVERY…SINGLE…FUCKING…THING you told me was wrong. I don’t know what happens in the future, but in 1999, going around frisking, as you put it, “hot ass bitches” on the street does not get you laid. All it got me was three kicks to the nuts and a black eye.
Oh ya, your advice to become the youngest nascar driver in history was an epic fail. Apparently the New York Police Department frowns upon thirteen year olds going 130mph along private streets. When I said it was my destiny to become Ricky Bobby, like you said to, they put me through a battery of sobriety tests only to determine I was a fucking retard and possibly gay.
Dressing up as Sherlock Holmes on a regular basis for three weeks in Middle School was one of the worst ideas you gave me. Not only did I get suspended for having a pipe in school, but I got my ass kicked on a bi-daily basis for those three weeks.
Training to become Jack Bauer almost ruined my life. Going to the Bronx and trying to kill “terrorists” with a fake gun??? REALLY? Fuck you, man. Telling me that in 2001, Arabic terrorists would disguise themselves as black people? Dude that one just wasn’t cool. I won’t even tell you what happened to me that night.
Well, it’s time for me to go to my court-appointed therapist sessions, dick-wad.
-Your Younger Self

To My Younger Self,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… OWNED!
-Me