I keep forgetting about this thing, my bad. My stand-up bombed. I may have been better making the paris hilton and the rat jokes I was working on. Oh well. I guess I'll post a couple of the jokes I had.

1. I was in the rat last night and met paris hilton... I now have aids.
2. How can you tell a skank in binghamton? Just go to the rat on a wed night in december.

Ya this is basically how it went.

Letter to myself

Hey asshole,
To start off, FUCK YOU! That letter you sent me was complete fucking bullshit. Everything… EVERY…SINGLE…FUCKING…THING you told me was wrong. I don’t know what happens in the future, but in 1999, going around frisking, as you put it, “hot ass bitches” on the street does not get you laid. All it got me was three kicks to the nuts and a black eye.
Oh ya, your advice to become the youngest nascar driver in history was an epic fail. Apparently the New York Police Department frowns upon thirteen year olds going 130mph along private streets. When I said it was my destiny to become Ricky Bobby, like you said to, they put me through a battery of sobriety tests only to determine I was a fucking retard and possibly gay.
Dressing up as Sherlock Holmes on a regular basis for three weeks in Middle School was one of the worst ideas you gave me. Not only did I get suspended for having a pipe in school, but I got my ass kicked on a bi-daily basis for those three weeks.
Training to become Jack Bauer almost ruined my life. Going to the Bronx and trying to kill “terrorists” with a fake gun??? REALLY? Fuck you, man. Telling me that in 2001, Arabic terrorists would disguise themselves as black people? Dude that one just wasn’t cool. I won’t even tell you what happened to me that night.
Well, it’s time for me to go to my court-appointed therapist sessions, dick-wad.
-Your Younger Self

To My Younger Self,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… OWNED!
-Me

Lyric assignment

I could only do this for so long:

[Chorus:]
This is why I'm hot [2x]
No
This is why [2x] Uh
No
This is why I'm hot (Uh)
Goddammit NO
This is why I'm hot [2x] Whoo
I hope you get shot
This is why [2x]
How many fucking times… NO
This is why I'm hot
I can’t deal with this shit anymore
I'm hot cause I'm fly (fly)
You ain't cause you're not (Mims)
This is why [2x]
This is why I'm hot [2x]
Fuck you!

[Verse 1:]
This is why I'm hot
No you’re really not
I don't gotta rap
Please stop then
I can sell a mill saying nothing on the track
Probably because everyone will be so elated that you stopped rapping
I represent New York
Just because you like to go to the clubs in the Brooklyn hood doesn’t make you our rep, asshole
I got it on my back
Does that mean you have NY tattooed on your back? Are you really that much of a fucking loser?
Niggas say that we lost it
Now if I said nigga in a song I would be getting double teamed by Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson so hard it would make those cops who shot that Amadu Dialu 42 times blush.
So I'm gonna bring it back
If I meet you in real life I want to backhand you across your face, I just hope its not a hate crime.
I love the dirty, dirty 'Cause niggas show me love
I don’t even understand what you’re trying to say here. Is this a sex joke? Epic fail!
The ladies start to bounce as soon as I hit the club
And you’re not talking about their asses
But in the Midwest they love to take it slow
Probably because they have no education
So when I hit the H, I watch you get it on the floor
You goddamn stupid motherfucker… whore begins with a W
And if you needed it hyphy, I take it to the Bay
I’m so sorry, I don’t speak stupid.
Frisco to Sac-town, they do it everyday
Hit whores? Sounds about right
Compton to Hollywood, as soon as I hit L.A. I'm in that low, low, I do it the Cali way
This makes no fucking sense. I get that you’re saying you traveled all over California, but that “low, low” and the “cali way” WTF. Just because two words rhyme doesn’t mean you should use them. Dumbass!
And when I hit Chi, people say that I'm fly
Are these “people” your parents?
They like the way I dress
Because your mommy still dresses you, you little bitch.
My attire move crowds from side to side
Because you smell worse than those kids from Slumdog Millionare
They ask me how I do it and simply I reply...
“I love balls”

My friend got really drunk last night. She ended up making out with the floor thinking it was Ryan Gosling. Then she moved on to the toilet bowl. Good times.

Back to back bitch

Yup I also turned 21 this weekend and learned the true meaning of a shit show. It was awesome.

forgot about this thing

forgot i had this thing, however, to make up for it, here is is my mcsweenies assignment:

Enter the Vagina

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Vagina

Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Vagina

Vagina in Sixty Seconds

The 40 Year Old Vagina

The Vagina Who Loved Me

For Love and Vagina

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Vagina

My Bloody Vagina 3-D

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Vagina

How to Lose a Vagina in Ten Days

No Country for Old Vagina

Sleepless in Vagina

Vaginas on a Plane

Vagina: First Blood

Schindler’s Vagina

My Big Fat Greek Vagina

Snatch

Essentially, this is just movie titles with the word vagina in it, including the title.

Hectic week

It sucks when you get two huge assignments on the same day due in exactly one week. It sucks even more when one is an image collection where a narrative must be explained without words. Hence, that's why I spent about 20 hours doing 24 with Monkeys. I was surprised how many images of monkeys with guns you can find on google. Its apparently even a band name. Kind of a crappy band name, though.